Your brother Liam has been in bed for hours but I check on him once more before your dad and I go to bed. I quietly go into his room and cover him back up with blankets as he never fails to have wiggled out of them. I give him a kiss and take just a few seconds to admire him. So sweet and peaceful and innocent. I wish him a good night one more time and leave his room.
After the nightly routine of getting myself ready for bed I say my prayers. I always pray for you Neil. I never know quite what to say, quite what to pray for exactly. So I just pray for you. That you know I love you. Then your dad and I say our prayers together. Again we thank Heavenly Father you and pray for you. We are always thinking of you spoken or not.
Your dad and I then lie down, I pile the blankets high, your dad sleeps with only the sheet. Sometimes we talk, sometimes your dad is so exhausted he is asleep literally when his head hits the pillow. I hear his rhythmic breathing and feel happy he is finally getting to sleep after one more long stressful day.
And then, then it is our time. Just you and me.
In the stillness of the night my thoughts turn completely to you. Every aspect of you. Most often I replay every detail imaginable of our last day together. I always think of what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Of your defined eyebrows, your knowing eyes. I think about all of the people who took care of you. I think about our time in the hospital together. I think about you.
In the stillness of the night when seemingly the rest of the world (at least my world) is asleep you have my full attention and love. As the minutes and hours pass by on the clock I hold on to every bit of you I can. I hope you are happy. I know you are happy. I hope you don't miss me, but I hope you know me. I hope you love me. I hope you know how much I miss you and how much I love you.
Sometimes I am so tired and "our time" continues on into the early morning hours and I know I need to get to sleep or I'll be miserable the next day. But it's not as easy as that. Sometimes my mind wanders to other things going on in my life.... but one way or another my thoughts always wind back on you. My baby.
I like our time together. It is always filled with so many emotions. But most importantly it is filled with you.
I miss you Neil.
I love you Neil.
The other day your big brother was asking for you out of the blue. I thought maybe he was asking for "noodles"... but I repeatedly asked him if he wanted "noodles" or "Neil". He wanted you. He misses you to. I hope you two play together in your dreams.
I'm going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again. I'm sure I won't drift off very quickly so we still have plenty of "our time" together.
I love you,
mom
6 comments:
What a sweet and tender letter Anna. Thanks for sharing it. Neil (and Liam) are so lucky to have you as their mom. I have no doubt that Neil knows you and he loves you. I hope you can always feel his presence in your life. Love you lady!
One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Just beautiful.
He know and loves you just as well, probably better, than you know and love him. He is such a blessing because, if for no other reason, your words have the ability to help people. Love you!!!
Thanks for sharing.
"In speaking of those who die before reaching adulthood, President Joseph F Smith observed that "the body will come forth as it is laid to rest, for there is no growth nor development in the grave. As it is laid down , so will it arise, and changes to perfection will come by the law of restitution. But the spirit will continue to expand and develop, and the body after the resurrection will develop to the full stature of man." Joseph Feielding Smith declared the same doctorine. He said that "when a baby dies, it goes back into the spirit world, and the spirit assumes its natural form as an adult, for we were adults before we were born. When a child is raised in the resurrection, the spirit will enter the body and the body will be the same size as it was when the child died. It will then grow after the resurrection to full maturity to conform to the size of the spirit."
Not only do I think he hears you Anna but I think he looks forward with eagerness to the day when he can be raised into adulthood with you, as his mother, by his side.
I saw this in my studies and thought of you. I hope I haven't upset you by it.
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