Roller Coaster

Life with a baby in the NICU is a roller coaster.  Today was a down day.  Postpartum hormones mixed with a suffering baby mixed with a bunch of little things all kind of accumulated today and the tears flowed.  I was reminded how much it sucks to be here. I was reminded how much I just want to be home with my husband, my (almost) two year old, and my little baby.  I was reminded how much I yearn to take away all the pain and suffering Neil is going through.  I was reminded of how much his little body is really going through.  Most of all I was reminded how I would do or give almost anything to be able to pick him up, take all his tubes/IVs etc off/out of him, cuddle him and take him far far away from here. 

Man!  What a downer way to start a post!  Right!  Sorry.  I really could go on even more, and explain in greater detail, but I wont.

Neil has taken a bit of another nose dive.  He has Pneumonia.  To a healthy person this can be dangerous.  But to a baby who already has chronic lung disease and is on a ventilator it can be deadly.  Yesterday and today he has just been so sick, having such a hard time breathing.  His body has been struggling to recover his breathing when he cries. 

I don't know why I continue to be surprised at how quickly things can go from being "ok" (realizing ok for Neil is a very relative term) to bad.  His body is tiny and sick so it doesn't take much to affect him. 

I know things will get better.  But that doesn't make me feel any better right now =)  Life is hard sometimes. 

Today my mom encouraged me to blog b/c there are always people asking how Neil is doing, so for better or worse here it is.  I could only post happy and cheerful things, I really could but then I would be distorting the truth. 

Is there a sliver lining in the clouds?  Sure of course there is, there has to be.

But, none the less Neil continues to be the cutest little baby boy.  I love him.  He is a fighter for sure. 

I hope tomorrow I get the chance to hold him =)