He passed away in our arms with us telling him over and over again how much we loved him.
As Sean and I walked out of the hospital that night, empty handed, without our baby, leaving our baby boy there in that horrible place my soul was so heavy. It took every ounce of will power I had to will my ten ton legs to take one step after another... down those long hallways and out into the crisp night air... the fresh air..... the air Neil never had the chance to breath. The grief and sorrow I felt tore a hole in my heart and soul. I left my baby boy there... never to see him or hold him again. I just left him.
My desire to turn back around and run through the hallways, scoop him back up into my arms was overpowering. The only thing that kept me moving forward was Sean's strong grasp of my hand ..... and reality.
Today is one week
What I wouldn't give to kiss that forehead once more. To smell him, to hold him. To gaze into his eyes. I miss him so much. When I close my eyes I can feel him and smell him. I never want to forget this smell, this warm forehead under my lips.
5 comments:
Anna these are words right from your soul! oh my goodness. I couldn't even breathe as i was reading it. I don't know what to say or do. i want to help lighten your load somehow. I feel I can only pray that you will feel of our Saviors love. For he is the only one who truly knows what you are going through. love you! Oh what a sweet little boy!
Lots of tears.....I wish I could just give you a hug right now.
My heart is so broken. Thank you for being so brave as you share your emotions. So many people who love you would do anything to take this pain from you -- but at the same time, none of us would have any idea how to cope with the grief. We are so very sorry.
Oh Anna, my heart aches for you and Sean. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel! Just know you are all loved and kept in my prayers! Though it can't replace the whole in your heart right now, I just wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and tell you just how much you are loved by so many, especially your sons and husband and The Savior!!!
I'm not sure what to say apart from that my whole soul aches for your loss.
Your words were so real I can only imagine the pain.
I'm so sorry Anna and I hope that the cloud of sorrow that follows you will be easier to deal with in future days ahead.
Lean on the Lord, he's the only one that can give the kind of peace that brings any satisfaction.
Seek help if you need it too, lots of people will want to help but not know how, give them jobs that will lighten your load for a while.
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